Chapters always end with intention of another starting, right?

Getting engaged was the happiest moment of my life thus far. However, I experienced some bizarre things right before getting proposed to. For example- March 26th on my way into my favorite cafe in Oakland, Eric and I locked our bikes up only to step into the line of two 16 year olds in a fight. We were blocked from being able to cross the street due to the fight so we were forced to stand and watch.One of the boys held up his i-pod in resistance to hand it over and the other held a gun to the boys stomach. The barrel of the gun was very long. I kept switching eye contact from the gun to the gunman's eyes. These were boys, I wanted to say something. I wanted to hug them both. Of course I didn't but I wanted to.

Just days later on March 29th I had an annual review at my job as an Associate Director of a Christian Non-profit. During the review, I was not surprised with the results. I tanked the section where I was suppose to bring the organization income through fundraising. Every other section of my job, however I was above average in. I set a commitment date with the organization when I took the job back in 2010. The date I set forth would not arrive for another 6 months or so, I just figured I would have to work on raising money a lot harder for half of a year. I also knew that the directors that over see my performance, who are married, are expecting a baby. They like to plan well in advance ( we started hiring for summer in late December.)so I was curious on what they were planning to do in regards to staffing for the maternity leave. I asked if there would be any changes before this summer that I would be involved in. I did not really expect to be affected by the changes. When they answered the question however, I knew they were planning on asking me to move on because their eyes filled with fright and terror. The only words that came out of their mouths were "I am unable to answer that now". At that moment I knew something was up, and that I had no job security whatsoever. It was the end of March and I was sensing big changes happening before the summer season that starts in May. I was right. I left the office and my Co Directors were in tears. I was given no explanation on what was going on.
Meanwhile one of my best friends sat outside of my office waiting for me. ( This annual review ran really late, making me late for dinner plans). When she saw my facial expressions, she knew something was wrong. When she asked where I wanted to go to eat, I only wanted to go to my favorite cafe, danger and all. The scene of the stick up. I wanted to face that fearful scene I witnessed days before and sit in the emotion of it all. So we did.

As this chapter concludes...

April 2, 2011 was our 2 year dating anniversary! Since moving to California I have conversed about how much I wanted to visit a small costal town called Mendicino, which is 3 hours north of Oakland. When we talked about how to celebrate our anniversary, Eric took the initiative to plan it all. I was both surprised and at ease that he would do such a thing!
In the morning, we loaded our bikes into a rental car and journeyed up north for a day of adventure, food and fun! I wondered on the drive up, "Will he propose today? This would be a great opportunity!" We arrived, had breakfast and prepared our bikes for the prospects of some great leisure riding. We headed toward the coast. The colors of the ocean were breathtaking! The deep greens of the ocean gave it warmth that, frankly the Atlantic just lacks (sorry, it’s so true though!). The wind that afternoon was violent! The gusts were so strong that you could lean on the air and the resistance would dependably hold you up. I was miserable after 10 minutes because the whip of sand was stinging my eyes and any idea of looking cute on this day was now, not realistic. I think I felt my hair starting to turn into a uni dreadlock, and I was not going for that look on this day. I suggested that we go look for a pathway along the river under a bridge we had seen when we came into the town. Eric's response was quick and firm "No, it is not the coast!". (Apparently he had envisioned, proposing on the coast, I found out later) I again expressed my discomfort and we went on our way. At this point in time Eric said "So where do you want to go? You lead the way, I will just follow you". As I biked away, I drew the conclusion that Eric had NO intention of proposing because he clearly had no plan or goal for the day. We collaboratively came up with the idea to find a spot to read Cannery Row and eat Mike and Ikes at. I led the way toward the path and we biked into the sunshine and safety of a windless calm that was the river runoff of the ocean. Eric was adamant that he wanted to find a perfect spot and eventually took the lead on the path. He picked a spot that required hiking down a hill of brush and poison oak. So we carried our bikes and adventured like Tom and Huck. “This special spot” took us jumping over two creeks, falling into quick sand- like mud spots and dodging poisonous leaves. We did find the best spot!
As we sat down to rest, Eric pulled out a huge bag and said "I got you an anniversary gift". The bag was filled with tissue paper. I took all of the paper out and thought, um did Eric forget to input the gift? I looked at him puzzled and he said “keep looking, but be careful it doesn’t fall into the water". I finally got to the heart shaped box with a latch. I looked at him before opening and I felt all of my insides shaking. At that moment Eric said " Are you ready to have an amazing life together"? I opened the box and he asked me to marry him. The rest of the evening was filled with feelings that I didn’t knoweven existed. I was for the first time in my life happy and speechless for hours.
In August Eric will become my husband and although this is all new, scary and filled with emotion I have never been surer of taking a risk because the person I will be journeying with, I really believe in and love.

Im not as stubborn as I seem

Over the past month or so I started thinking a lot about authority. I always had a craving for guidelines that made sense, clear cut rules that were not to be broken, an authority system that stood by its word and a justice driven by gace and mercy. Although I don't see this played out often, I can name a few times in my life where there was a synchronization between supervision and mentorship that worked out well for me.

As an employee I value consistent time that is taken out of a superior's day to check up on my progress and invest in my development. Whether this time is a tracking of progress, making sure I have the tools to succeed or evaluation of my time, I think it is important to have this healthy communication system. I think people have an innate desire to be taught and to grow, I admire when people relate to me in a respectful but teaching spirit. I think its great when a "superior" can be open to learn while teaching me. That is the way I hope that I interact with those that I supervise.

When at a church I value those willing to have a mentoring attitude toward me. I guess I visualize these people further along in their walk with God, and walk in life generally. Regular check ins with the intent to share and listen. This relationship offers the exchange of knowledge and wisdom. To obtain truth when it is not easily visable is to be mentored.

Among other things, I think consistency is something I am coming to realize I value a lot. I am understanding that I do posses a teachable spirit that enjoys to be grown.

Grocery Stores are amazing.

There is something great about going grocery shopping. This may make me seem boring and lame but I really enjoy a good night strolling the isles. Thinking about meals, researching new recipes, putting my own healthy twist on traditional comfort food and buying nutritious delicacies is part of a happy home. Sometimes I feel bad for Eric because I get in the " zone" at the grocery store. I get to allow my creative side spill out as I think of different food items and strategize great taste pairings, balance and variety.


Food is essential. Caring for your body is to care for your spirit. If the emotional, social, spiritual and physical self is linked than neglecting one means the other parts of you may suffer. I am not saying that you must share in my joyous over thought about meals to be concisely healthy, but I am challenged at why many people I know from the inner city are not into food the way upper class foodies are. Some conclusions stemming from observation are money, time, inability to be creative, tastes, and lack of availability.

It is obvious that money plays a role in this lack of interest from many of the families I have met in urban environments. Concepts like "get more for your money" was something I heard growing up. I think that this frame of mind has been adopted into households and it stems from poverty. Is nutritious eating really that expensive? Are there ways to be intentionally healthy on a tight budget?

Time may be another contributor to the malnutrition that happens in a city. If a working single mom barley has time to do a load of laundry, how much spare thought and time can she take to be creative in stretching her money, planning meals and taking elongated amounts of time to prepare fresh food? If single parents had help planning a grocery list where the meals were accounted for in the beginning of the pay period, would the food last longer into the month?

Several families I have interacted with get their food from food banks and subsidized grocery outlets. I have experienced some food banks that focus on variety, balance and wellness but most I have volunteered around are simply bags of leftovers. Basically compromised of carbohydrates and canned goods( because most food drives are non perishable). I guess it could be somewhat hard to be creative with miscellaneous items you've been given and haven't picked out. How do you taste pair pickled beets, apple sauce, black olives, and hostess cakes if that's what you are provided with? One grab bag like that and perhaps some of my motivation would diminish.

When the first of the month comes in the city, check cashing companies have lines out the door. Most of the time families have emptied their food bank bag for the previous week and are ready to feast. When it comes time to eat people want what is flavorful and good. Often times the taste bud associates salt and sugar strongly to the mind. What is salty is good and what is sugary is better. This in my mind is almost a subconscious addiction. If one is not used to other tastes and seasonings then going for what is saltiest and sweetest is therefore the best. I think that broadening taste ranges and exploration of new foods heightens the desire to eat more balanced meals. Unfortunately many communities don't have direct access to grocery stores that provide such variety at affordable prices.

In Oakland there are two Trader Joe's- One in Rockeridge and one at Lakeshore Blvd. This place has good prices and semi exotic varieties. The expansive affordable selection far surpasses the markets that are attempting to provide to poorer communities. I think that TJ's selection and size is because they get a great income from their customers spending. They cater to us, foodies and not to poor communities. I'm thankful but sad. These stores are far removed from the communities is need of nutrition. Is there a huge risk in placing one in a West or East Oakland community? Why have local farmer's markets found a way to take EBT cards and food stamps but TJs hasn't?

On the bright side, people can use EBT and Foodstamps at farmers markets across Oakland. There are so many farmers markets in this city! The vibrant life that food brings to a community is so evident whenever one is attending one of these markets. Fresh produce can be bought at affordable prices and the spirit of socializing is activated. I think that grocery stores say a lot about a community. A grocery store helps sustain a family. A grocery store speaks when it treats its workers fairly, gets active in its community, fights for fair trade, makes leaps toward organic living, educates residents, and keeps prices affordable.

In conclusion, I think that I am blessed for the food choices I have. I thank God that I find joy in meal planning and nutrition. Not everybody has the motivation to think creatively and strategically when it comes to nutrition. I count it a blessing that I can go food shopping and afford the gas it takes to cook a meal. Thank you Lord, help me to help others access this joy I have found.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5c1Bb6_5Bw


- Contemplative. Excuse the foul language but, absorb the truth between the lines.

Okay, I love planning vacations.

I think I have a slight obsession with vacation planning. I get a thrill out of bargain finding in terms of travel. I get a vision of what I want and bargain hunt my way until I meet this supposed vision I made up in my mind. How fun! Even more thrilling is the priceline.com negotiator! I will admit how risky it could potentially be, but there is such a joy in getting a 4 star hotel at a 1 star price. What you do on this website is bid on a hotel room.
#1 pick your desired location and desired star rating.
#2 name how much you want to pay.
#3 enter in your credit card information
#4click buy! At this time there is an hour glass on the screen sending out the bid to all of the hotels in that area. You wait and see if your price is accepted from a hotel. If it is you automatically are staying there! There is no turning back!

Vacation is joyous, weekend or long term. There is something so special about having a date that you look forward to. There is something even more fun about pumping your vaca buddies up before a trip. All the while being marveled by the satisfaction in knowing you saved a lot of cash by planning and bargain hunting. No matter if you live in the country or the city, there is almost an innate craving to get recharged by some other scenery. We all deserve some peace and serenity outside of our home walls sometimes, right? I grew up thinking that vacations were almost impossible to do regularly, I mean come on, I am not a millionaire. I have been surprised in adulthood at how much is possible when being diligent at budgeting your pay check, being creative and looking for great deals!

All who Mourn Jeresulam’s destruction:

God, I apologize for this darkness but you partake in my sorrow.
Among all her lovers there are none to comfort her
Jerusalem is a she who is naked and afraid and did not consider her future, so evil perused her.
Whoever wrote this is quite hopeless but has a focus on the internal woes and the ego blows.
The wish is to bring those who sin to the destruction that hurts so much.
Earth as a footstool that can be kicked around and put away is not even needed on this day, and it hurts.
The tent is consumed with a burning anger that is still very pure.
Occupations without occupancies leave ruined plans and skills dead.
With a wound that is as deep as the sea who can heal you?
Afraid to expose because you hope to compose, why didn’t you let yourself break down?
Afraid to sin more, but feeling like you are left with no choice. Saying it brash with an afraid voice.
What do you do?
Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Resist and ignore this surrender no more.
Still I feel and I say my splendor is gone.
I am heavy with sin yet I look for justice to reign on the sins of the others.