http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=10818479&ac=now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgQZENuDrBY

Maybe its rap music.. or maybe its the human condition of fierce contradiction. Tupac is the epitome of hypocrisy in terms of genuine devotion to his "heart felt" words. In the track above "Baby Dont Cry" he hyper emphasizes the importance of three women as he unfolds their heartbreaking situations. His hook attempts (successfully, may I add) to build them up and remind them of their inner strength. I love this song- but other tracks on this album over sensualize and sexualize women objectifying and semi- exploiting their assets. I do think tupac must have been on copious amounts of dope, Buddha, weed (which ever you perfer) when he came up with his theory on his morality and persona because it seems to argue itself.. or maybe he wasn’t thinking that deep into it at all. Maybe he didn’t care what "kind of message he was sending". Regardless his motives- I think this concept speaks to human nature. I think that each one of us at some point in time is/was a walking paradox. I will be the first to admit it. Whether you are a Vegetarian that eats fish, Christian who loves to gossip, Nurse who takes a cig break, Father who puts money into his hobbies and neglects visiting his kids, husband who is "happily married" yet keeps dirty little secrets from his wife. In no way is this placing a judgment on these contradictions , I am simply stating they are what they are. I used to notice these things a lot. When your words and actions do not line up- you lose credibility, trust and depth to a perceiving eye. The truth behind it all is that people see us. People look up to us and they analyze our behavior. ESPECIALLY the ones who admire us. Naturally there are people who see our success and want to emulate that. If you don’t think about the messages you are sending- believe me- they will.

non cohesive

When being asked a question, its like her mind fused into a bed of memories and revelation dialog all in the same breath. Each sentence that she got out, she sunk deeper and deeper into the couch's cushion. The way of speech didn't indicate that she needed the absorption of the pillows though. The nonchalance in which she delivered her thoughts offered an attitude that should have been clothed in black leather, dark shades, red lipstick and a Marlboro light danging from her lips with eloquence.

"Yah, Its jacked up. I know. I can remember my best friend graduating from high school, he boyfriend was suppose to be at her graduation party. He didn't show up. My friend, she knew he was screwin around on her. There were a few nights we had driven by his house. Each time we did, we would see a car that wasn't his, parked right next to his. He always denied even being home. I felt sort of icky doing these drive bys, and she would cry the same tears each time. Left me damn near depressed. Well, the day of the graduation party we actually left her party, her and I to do a drive by.This time my friend wasn't timid. Its almost like she refrained action for so long that she couldn't hold back. We parked the car down the road and she walked right into that place. She finally saw what she always wondered. This wasn't pretty. I tried to stay out of it, but finally I had to try and pull my friend off of the chick, I just wanted out. That same summer another friend of mine's boyfriend slept with her neighbor in her basement, while my friend was in the shower. This world is sick."

I guess we had heard of adultery and cheating. Graphic details however seemed foreign to the room. For some reason this made things tense and uncomfortable. Maybe because it was our first interaction with the new girl in town from the big city. There was an intriguing element to the pace of the story though. Each sentence seemed like there was more to be said, more to be felt. We kept inquiring, longing for a conclusion.At this point the piece of my famous orange-pinapple jello mold I cut for her was completely melted on her plate. Did she not like jello? I am not sure how she kept up with our questions, because we each had a set of them. As if she was put on display and we were interrogating her. We didn't mean to badger, it was weird, real weird.

" Yah. I was once seeing a guy in college. A real gem, ha. His reputation was mysterious. Athlete but not a total pig.One night a phone conversation got sidetracked and he described how much he liked high maintenance chicks, wasn't into the natural look.I think he watched too many rap videos and collected playboys from the 90s. After he said that I looked down at myself. My hair wasn't colored, and I had it tied, hanging right below my left ear with a piece of fabric I ripped from an old dress. You know, I liked the pattern. I had no nail polish on, no make up, a men's white tank top and a pair of black bike spandex shorts. That day I was convinced I would never try to be something for any dude. Emotionally, I disconnected and I am happy I did. Lets just say, he didn't value monogamy during this phase. I do, I really do."

These stories just were not cohesive? Why is this what is being spoken of. Man, I was almost convinced that all men were controlled by their penis'. I mean it sounded like every guys she knows was. I peered at her left hand and saw a diamond but no band. So I looked at her, met her eyes in that blank place that her story left off.
I asked... So why are you getting married?

"I forgive them all. Heck if God forgave Solomon, David's son for bangin 700 ladies who despised the God that delivered Solomon's people for years, even after being instructed to stay away from them, I gotta learn to forgive this piggish nature. Plus I haven't always tried to be all good, warm and fuzzy in my heart and action. My hope for a God given strength to love and be true is much stronger than the desire to find fault and sit in disgust. The one who gave me this ring, he tries and I trust his efforts."

Chapters always end with intention of another starting, right?

Getting engaged was the happiest moment of my life thus far. However, I experienced some bizarre things right before getting proposed to. For example- March 26th on my way into my favorite cafe in Oakland, Eric and I locked our bikes up only to step into the line of two 16 year olds in a fight. We were blocked from being able to cross the street due to the fight so we were forced to stand and watch.One of the boys held up his i-pod in resistance to hand it over and the other held a gun to the boys stomach. The barrel of the gun was very long. I kept switching eye contact from the gun to the gunman's eyes. These were boys, I wanted to say something. I wanted to hug them both. Of course I didn't but I wanted to.

Just days later on March 29th I had an annual review at my job as an Associate Director of a Christian Non-profit. During the review, I was not surprised with the results. I tanked the section where I was suppose to bring the organization income through fundraising. Every other section of my job, however I was above average in. I set a commitment date with the organization when I took the job back in 2010. The date I set forth would not arrive for another 6 months or so, I just figured I would have to work on raising money a lot harder for half of a year. I also knew that the directors that over see my performance, who are married, are expecting a baby. They like to plan well in advance ( we started hiring for summer in late December.)so I was curious on what they were planning to do in regards to staffing for the maternity leave. I asked if there would be any changes before this summer that I would be involved in. I did not really expect to be affected by the changes. When they answered the question however, I knew they were planning on asking me to move on because their eyes filled with fright and terror. The only words that came out of their mouths were "I am unable to answer that now". At that moment I knew something was up, and that I had no job security whatsoever. It was the end of March and I was sensing big changes happening before the summer season that starts in May. I was right. I left the office and my Co Directors were in tears. I was given no explanation on what was going on.
Meanwhile one of my best friends sat outside of my office waiting for me. ( This annual review ran really late, making me late for dinner plans). When she saw my facial expressions, she knew something was wrong. When she asked where I wanted to go to eat, I only wanted to go to my favorite cafe, danger and all. The scene of the stick up. I wanted to face that fearful scene I witnessed days before and sit in the emotion of it all. So we did.

As this chapter concludes...

April 2, 2011 was our 2 year dating anniversary! Since moving to California I have conversed about how much I wanted to visit a small costal town called Mendicino, which is 3 hours north of Oakland. When we talked about how to celebrate our anniversary, Eric took the initiative to plan it all. I was both surprised and at ease that he would do such a thing!
In the morning, we loaded our bikes into a rental car and journeyed up north for a day of adventure, food and fun! I wondered on the drive up, "Will he propose today? This would be a great opportunity!" We arrived, had breakfast and prepared our bikes for the prospects of some great leisure riding. We headed toward the coast. The colors of the ocean were breathtaking! The deep greens of the ocean gave it warmth that, frankly the Atlantic just lacks (sorry, it’s so true though!). The wind that afternoon was violent! The gusts were so strong that you could lean on the air and the resistance would dependably hold you up. I was miserable after 10 minutes because the whip of sand was stinging my eyes and any idea of looking cute on this day was now, not realistic. I think I felt my hair starting to turn into a uni dreadlock, and I was not going for that look on this day. I suggested that we go look for a pathway along the river under a bridge we had seen when we came into the town. Eric's response was quick and firm "No, it is not the coast!". (Apparently he had envisioned, proposing on the coast, I found out later) I again expressed my discomfort and we went on our way. At this point in time Eric said "So where do you want to go? You lead the way, I will just follow you". As I biked away, I drew the conclusion that Eric had NO intention of proposing because he clearly had no plan or goal for the day. We collaboratively came up with the idea to find a spot to read Cannery Row and eat Mike and Ikes at. I led the way toward the path and we biked into the sunshine and safety of a windless calm that was the river runoff of the ocean. Eric was adamant that he wanted to find a perfect spot and eventually took the lead on the path. He picked a spot that required hiking down a hill of brush and poison oak. So we carried our bikes and adventured like Tom and Huck. “This special spot” took us jumping over two creeks, falling into quick sand- like mud spots and dodging poisonous leaves. We did find the best spot!
As we sat down to rest, Eric pulled out a huge bag and said "I got you an anniversary gift". The bag was filled with tissue paper. I took all of the paper out and thought, um did Eric forget to input the gift? I looked at him puzzled and he said “keep looking, but be careful it doesn’t fall into the water". I finally got to the heart shaped box with a latch. I looked at him before opening and I felt all of my insides shaking. At that moment Eric said " Are you ready to have an amazing life together"? I opened the box and he asked me to marry him. The rest of the evening was filled with feelings that I didn’t knoweven existed. I was for the first time in my life happy and speechless for hours.
In August Eric will become my husband and although this is all new, scary and filled with emotion I have never been surer of taking a risk because the person I will be journeying with, I really believe in and love.

Im not as stubborn as I seem

Over the past month or so I started thinking a lot about authority. I always had a craving for guidelines that made sense, clear cut rules that were not to be broken, an authority system that stood by its word and a justice driven by gace and mercy. Although I don't see this played out often, I can name a few times in my life where there was a synchronization between supervision and mentorship that worked out well for me.

As an employee I value consistent time that is taken out of a superior's day to check up on my progress and invest in my development. Whether this time is a tracking of progress, making sure I have the tools to succeed or evaluation of my time, I think it is important to have this healthy communication system. I think people have an innate desire to be taught and to grow, I admire when people relate to me in a respectful but teaching spirit. I think its great when a "superior" can be open to learn while teaching me. That is the way I hope that I interact with those that I supervise.

When at a church I value those willing to have a mentoring attitude toward me. I guess I visualize these people further along in their walk with God, and walk in life generally. Regular check ins with the intent to share and listen. This relationship offers the exchange of knowledge and wisdom. To obtain truth when it is not easily visable is to be mentored.

Among other things, I think consistency is something I am coming to realize I value a lot. I am understanding that I do posses a teachable spirit that enjoys to be grown.

Grocery Stores are amazing.

There is something great about going grocery shopping. This may make me seem boring and lame but I really enjoy a good night strolling the isles. Thinking about meals, researching new recipes, putting my own healthy twist on traditional comfort food and buying nutritious delicacies is part of a happy home. Sometimes I feel bad for Eric because I get in the " zone" at the grocery store. I get to allow my creative side spill out as I think of different food items and strategize great taste pairings, balance and variety.


Food is essential. Caring for your body is to care for your spirit. If the emotional, social, spiritual and physical self is linked than neglecting one means the other parts of you may suffer. I am not saying that you must share in my joyous over thought about meals to be concisely healthy, but I am challenged at why many people I know from the inner city are not into food the way upper class foodies are. Some conclusions stemming from observation are money, time, inability to be creative, tastes, and lack of availability.

It is obvious that money plays a role in this lack of interest from many of the families I have met in urban environments. Concepts like "get more for your money" was something I heard growing up. I think that this frame of mind has been adopted into households and it stems from poverty. Is nutritious eating really that expensive? Are there ways to be intentionally healthy on a tight budget?

Time may be another contributor to the malnutrition that happens in a city. If a working single mom barley has time to do a load of laundry, how much spare thought and time can she take to be creative in stretching her money, planning meals and taking elongated amounts of time to prepare fresh food? If single parents had help planning a grocery list where the meals were accounted for in the beginning of the pay period, would the food last longer into the month?

Several families I have interacted with get their food from food banks and subsidized grocery outlets. I have experienced some food banks that focus on variety, balance and wellness but most I have volunteered around are simply bags of leftovers. Basically compromised of carbohydrates and canned goods( because most food drives are non perishable). I guess it could be somewhat hard to be creative with miscellaneous items you've been given and haven't picked out. How do you taste pair pickled beets, apple sauce, black olives, and hostess cakes if that's what you are provided with? One grab bag like that and perhaps some of my motivation would diminish.

When the first of the month comes in the city, check cashing companies have lines out the door. Most of the time families have emptied their food bank bag for the previous week and are ready to feast. When it comes time to eat people want what is flavorful and good. Often times the taste bud associates salt and sugar strongly to the mind. What is salty is good and what is sugary is better. This in my mind is almost a subconscious addiction. If one is not used to other tastes and seasonings then going for what is saltiest and sweetest is therefore the best. I think that broadening taste ranges and exploration of new foods heightens the desire to eat more balanced meals. Unfortunately many communities don't have direct access to grocery stores that provide such variety at affordable prices.

In Oakland there are two Trader Joe's- One in Rockeridge and one at Lakeshore Blvd. This place has good prices and semi exotic varieties. The expansive affordable selection far surpasses the markets that are attempting to provide to poorer communities. I think that TJ's selection and size is because they get a great income from their customers spending. They cater to us, foodies and not to poor communities. I'm thankful but sad. These stores are far removed from the communities is need of nutrition. Is there a huge risk in placing one in a West or East Oakland community? Why have local farmer's markets found a way to take EBT cards and food stamps but TJs hasn't?

On the bright side, people can use EBT and Foodstamps at farmers markets across Oakland. There are so many farmers markets in this city! The vibrant life that food brings to a community is so evident whenever one is attending one of these markets. Fresh produce can be bought at affordable prices and the spirit of socializing is activated. I think that grocery stores say a lot about a community. A grocery store helps sustain a family. A grocery store speaks when it treats its workers fairly, gets active in its community, fights for fair trade, makes leaps toward organic living, educates residents, and keeps prices affordable.

In conclusion, I think that I am blessed for the food choices I have. I thank God that I find joy in meal planning and nutrition. Not everybody has the motivation to think creatively and strategically when it comes to nutrition. I count it a blessing that I can go food shopping and afford the gas it takes to cook a meal. Thank you Lord, help me to help others access this joy I have found.